Title:  Until

Author: Criss Moody

Email: wyoluvr@yahoo.com

Date: October 30^th, 2000

Disclaimer: The people who own Roswell own the characters.  I'm just venting.

Distribution: List archives only. 

Pairing: Max/Liz

Rating: PG

Spoilers: The End of the World

Summary: Liz muses after the events of, "The End of the World "

Feedback: Yes!!!  This is my first shared Roswell fic, let me know if you like it.

Notes: This ep broke my heart.  It ripped my still beating heart out of my chest, threw it against the wall, stomped on it, sliced a few holes in it, and then put it back.  I actually almost cried.  Inspiration also came from the song at the end of the ep, “I Shall Believe,” by Sheryl Crow.

 

 

Until, c.moody.

 

 

He's gone.

 

And it hurts.

 

A year ago, he changed me.  He came  into my life and suddenly everything really meant something.  The significance of life grew and burst into my mind and I saw.

 

I saw who I really was.  I understood why my parents wanted to protect me.  The ugliness of life, the grime we gloss over, flooded over me.  Reality totally floored me.

 

In all that nastiness, in all that horrible life I saw, only one thing remained pure.

 

Max

 

God, he was so beautiful.  Guys aren't supposed to be beautiful, or maybe they're just not supposed to like being called beautiful.  But he was, he is, he has so much to give.  He has such strength;  sheer beauty covering a sleek physical form.  That's only part, just a smidgen of why he's my life.  Inside, I found things that matched me.  Maybe some girls want a guy who likes everything they like.  Maybe some guys want a girl who asks them their opinion constantly.  We just wanted each other.

 

Max and I will never be together again, and I know that he'll always be the love of my life.

 

I thought that I'd done hard things in my life.  In the tradition of all seventeen year olds, I assumed that my life, with its aliens and heartaches, had far surpassed my life's limit of tragedy. 

 

Color me wrong.

 

I'm not sure what was harder - looking into Max's eyes and telling him I didn't want to die for him or seeing Max die a little bit when he watched my naked limb bisect the ruby red coverlet, Kyle by my side.

 

I don't really understand why it's always me who has to do these things.  Why does it always have to be my role to give up what I want?  I did it once, last May.  I thought I was done then, it almost killed me, but apparently destiny decided to come back to really get the point across.

 

Sure, Max and I could be together.  To my sorrow, I know that.  We could dance under the stars, laughing and crying and making love because that's what lovers do.  We could get married, and love each other.

 

If only the fate of the world didn't rest on our shoulders.

 

That's so corny.  The fate of the world.  It's not like I don't know that.  I mean, honestly, how many teens do you know who are convinced that their life is ending on a daily, even hourly, basis?

 

How many teens do you know for whom that's true?

 

My life isn't over.  It's not.  It's not the future, he, the Max who's gone now, lived in with me.  But at least there's a future to be had.  Now, I've got my human friends.  The aliens, they have their tight band of warriors, creatures who were born to fight against whatever horrors have come to Earth.

 

I love him.  I want to say I loved him, but I can't.

 

I never will.

 

Until the day I take my last breath, until the day my eyelids close over my eyeballs for the last time, I will love Max Evans.

 

That's my destiny.