Bitter Words by Criss Moody
Date: October 30th,
2000
Disclaimer: Kevin Williamson and Sony own the characters, I'm just borrowing
them.
Spoilers: Up through the
first ep of Season Four.
Summary: Pacey replies to
the letter, see my story "Precious, and Few," Dawson sent to him.
Rating: PG-13
Notes: It bears repeating;
sequel to "Precious, and Few."
Title taken from the Natalie Merchant song, "The Letter."
Bitter Words, c.moody.
Count on you, Leery, to make a mountain out of a molehill. In times of pain and trouble, I can always count on you to rub in that bit of salt, just to remind me of how much I hurt you.
So?
So the fuck what if I hurt you? Why should I care? I can't do penance forever - I'm just not the penitent type. Joey chose me and that kills you. Joey spent three months with me, loving me, being with me, eating with me, swimming with me. Do you know how we spent our nights? Not fucking up a storm like you and everyone else thinks.
We read to each other.
We read poetry, novels, anything we could lay our hands on. When we ran out of reading material, we spun tales out of air, building castles and spaceships down in the belly of True Love. While you sat on your tookus here in Capeside and stewed in your morality, we lived. We took our chance to be away, together, from the people and place who never let us forget what were supposed to be.
You, of course, have the starring role in the drama.
The golden boy brought the fair heroine and the dastardly villain together. You insisted that we play nice, even when said fair heroine insisted that the dastardly villain was up to no good. I've known you for most of my life, Dawson, and you still can't see past your own little conception of the world. You talk so big about what's out there, what life is to be lived, what stories to be told. You've been my best friend for the better part of my life. Joey was your Princess, the sweet thing destined to be your bride someday.
Oops, guess I ruined that fairytale fantasy.
Sorry, Dawson, but my world never did and never will revolve around you. You may be the sun in your solar system, but not in mine. Nope, I've got a life to pursue that for once, well, for once my life doesn't look to you for the answers.
Man, once upon a time, in a land not so far away, I worshipped you. Yeah, worship. You had it all. The great family, the great friends, but you were still nice, you were always fair. Any time I needed your help, I knew that you'd break the rules you loved so much to help me out. Rules were meant to be broken for friends, that's what you told me.
Dawson, you should watch out what you write in letters. Someone might read it and think you care. Someone might read it and make assumptions about you.
Right now, I don't particularly like you Dawson. I'd dearly love to choke you, watch your fair skin turn a fetching shade of purple before I let you go. I want you to hurt, I want you to suffer. Then again, I also want to never again be within physical proximity of you. See why I have issues?
Maybe my issues started because I've always wanted things I can't have, like a cat when I was 6, or a boat when I was 9. That's another place where we go our separate ways. I always seem to want the things you have. The family, the bright future, the girl.
Ah, the girl. It all comes down to Ms. Josephine Potter, doesn't it? How classic of us, to destroy ourselves so totally over a female. But what a female! Joey is like spicy and warm and funny and honest and she gets all gooey when you kiss her just right. Ever make her gooey? When I kissed her, I wouldn't let her go until I couldn't breathe anymore, we'd fall apart and eyes wide open, she'd look at me, and whisper that her stomach felt gooey when I kissed her. Maybe that's not the most elegant feeling, ya know, it's not like I made her feel like she couldn’t breathe, but I'll take gooey any day.
I'll leave you with all the chaste kisses, all the innocent confused touches in places that made you feel so good, but didn't know why.
Did it feel so good when I touched you?
Oh, oops, was I supposed to ignore that? Or am I supposed to throw myself into your arms and declare my latent homosexuality? Oh, wait, I get it. You expect me to feel ashamed, and just give you Joey to make up for me fucking you up sexually at such an early age?
Ok, I can barely begin to explain the things wrong with any of those scenarios. But the biggest is that Joey can choose for herself. It's called free will, look into it. Nobody and no one made Joey choose me. She loves me. Gods know why, but she loves me.
D, maybe…maybe
I touched you because that was the only way you would have let me - in the
dark, where no one could see it. Joey lets me hold her, to love her, publicly.
But maybe, just maybe I love you both.
Then again, what the hell do I know?
Truly Sincerely,
Pacey Witter.