You'd think there'd be a lot of noise
here at night. Screams, howls, chatters.. but no, not really. It's real
quiet. They're all sleeping or something. I stealthily sneak along, footfalls
not making a sound on the
cobbled pavement.
I love this covert shit.
This is just the reason I didn't bring the Ponce of Europe along.
Well, that and he'd fucking beat me senseless for what I wanna do.
Y'see, that's the problem with me old sire... he doesn't know how to live in the moment. He's all 'woe is me, I'm such a bad person'. Well, newsflash y' big oaf, you're not a person, you're a vampire.
Well, try telling *him* that without it developing into a screaming match which ends in me getting fucked so hard into the floorboards I leave an indentation.
Uhmm... what was I talking about again? That image tends to kinda wipe my memory of anything else....
Oh yeah. He just doesn't understand the need for fun, because all the real fun he can remember having involved him ripping the throats out of pretty young things.
Well, that and anything associated with me and nakedness.
I duck behind a building as a flashlight beam sweeps past. It touches my boots, and the guard walks right past me, about two feet away.
Oh yeah, I'm good.
He's getting better, mind you --
all thanks to me of course -- but especially around Christmas lapses back
into this uber-obsessive compulsive thing.. it's painful to watch. He's
so highly strung. Everything's
gotta be perfect, and I can't really
do anything right. Hell, shoulda seen the look I got when I mentioned how
much I'd love it to snow at Christmas like England...
Point is, he's no fun. He loses any semblance of relaxation he's got, and turns into the fascist vampire of the holiday season.
But I, in my infinite wisdom and good will, have decided to get him out of this bloody mood.
I will give him cause to shout and dance about.
He needs something fun, spontaneous and purely Spike-like.
That is why I'm back here.
That's why I've come back to the zoo.
*~*~*~*~*
I hear the commotion outside, and
run to see what it's all about, but I can already guess though. And the
one thought that is coherent enough for me to pick up on is that I can't
believe how fucking *stupid* I
am.
I knew something was up when Spike bailed me up in the kitchen, being unusually affectionate... kissing and licking at my lips, sliding his hands down my back to grab my ass.
I should've been more aware of what his intentions where when he called me 'Angel' rather than 'wanker'.
It should have dawned on me he was up to something when he took my trousers off and (almost) carefully threw them on a table instead of the floor.
Something should have clicked when he didn't make fun of my half-choked moans and general sounds of pleasure.
Dear gods, I should have realised he was up to something when he fucking *swallowed*.
But no, I gave him something far more useful than eternal life.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
And when I woke up, he was gone.
My shoes skid on the parquetry, making
a mark that I'll be really pissed off about later, but for some reason
isn't that important to me now. I scan the room, but I can't miss the horrified
looks on both my
employees faces, nor the cheerful
one on the face of my childe.. and that.. *thing*.. he's brought with him...
One thought.. just one thought in my brain.
I'm so fucking *stupid*.
*~*~*~*~*
The arachnid enclosure is quiet at
the moment. I notice that there's some more bars up on the door that weren't
there last time. Crybabies. Just because a few endangered and incredibly
expensive spiders
found their way into the piranha
pond... noone has a bloody sense of humour anymore.
Besides, there is no way I'd pay a couple of grand for a fucking *insect*.
I stop in front of the monkey cage and watch two of the little buggers go at it for a while. See, now *they* have the right idea. What a life... Shagging, eating, causing trouble, hurling their shit at humans... if I wasn't a vampire, I think I'd like to be a monkey.
I give 'em the thumbs up and continue to the cage I'm looking for.
Aaannnd... found it.
The door has a padlock on it. Tsk tsk. Some people just can't be trusted. I remove a small piece of wire from my duster pocket.
I just happen to be one of them.
The lock gives way, and I enter the
cage, to be confronted by half a dozen of the beasts. They're nervous and
paw at the ground. Fuck they have big horns. I pick one that doesn't look
too likely to turn
me into a vampire steak and close
in for the kill... or capture, so to speak.
I can see the whites of its eyes, but I have no fear. Closing in on it, I allow myself a nasty chuckle. This is gonna be great.
Then, when I'm about three feet away from it, arms outstretched to grab it.. it makes a noise.
And not just *any* noise. This. Is. A. *Noise.*
Fuck.
*~*~*~*~*
There's this very pregnant pause
as Cordelia tries to come to grips with the smell. Wesley just takes his
glasses off and kind of squints at Spike, at the animal, at me, and at
Spike again. I just know every
time he glances at me, he has that
statement on his face. The one that says 'you realise that this is all
your fault.'
Can't say I blame him, really. I'm giving Spike the same look.
For his part, he's started an obnoxious yodelled version of 'Deck the Halls'.. something about gasoline and matches. I don't care. I just want that animal off my floor and out of my office before it--
Oh *shit*.
Literally.
Why can animals never hold their bowels?
Spike smiles sweetly and blows me a kiss.
Cordelia gives me the 'this is my notice -- I quit' look. Wesley gives me the 'what are you going to do *now*?' look. I can't even bear to meet their eyes, but I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to kill him.
Again.
*~*~*~*~*
"Come on.. stupid fucking... arrghh!" I growl at it as I yank on the rope around its neck. It doesn't budge for about five minutes, but this big, stinky, *living* animal is not going to get the best of me.
I¹m William the Bloody, companion to the Scourge of the British Isles and some Eastern Block countries that don't exist any more.
I can handle this.
I am in control.
It starts to move, and I give myself a mental cheer.
No reindeer's gonna get the best of *me*.
*~*~*~*~*
A reindeer.
He brought -- no, *stole* -- a reindeer and brought it home withh him.
A reindeer who has not only crapped on the newly polished floor, but is now eating my decorations.
There's a little sob building in my throat, but I refuse to let it out.
"Jeffrey!" Spike scolds, batting
the animal on the nose. "I told ya.. don't go for that pansy-ass green
shit.. go for the good stuff..." He leads it by the rope over to my new
batch of eggnog (which he is
forbidden to touch) and coaxes it
to drink.
This is all I need. A fucking drunk reindeer with no control of its bodily functions.
Stake me.
*~*~*~*~*
"Let me get this straight.." Angel
says agonisingly slowly. I cock my head to the side and feign sincerity.
"You steal a reindeer and bring it here, where it proceeds to sh-" he stops
himself from cussing in front
of the wuss and the drama queen.
I withhold the smirk, it'll piss him off if he thinks I'm taking him seriously.
"-evacuate the contents of its lower intestines all over my floor.. "
Oh hell, I *really* have to fight the smirk down on that one.
"...then you *encourage* it to start getting drunk? Does that about sum up everything you've accomplished tonight?"
"Ah, you forget -- I also named him 'Jeffrey'." I grin smugly.
Angel just stares at me. He spares his lackeys a glance, which tells them in no uncertain terms he'd like some special 'alone time' with yours truly, before returning his gaze to me.
I reckon Angelus is *this far* from the surface.
Ah well, at least he's loosening up.
*~*~*~*~*
I think I'm developing a nervous twitch. Either that, or I could be losing my mind. I'm not sure what's happening any more.
I live in a constant state of exasperation around Spike. It's like existing with the sound of fingernails perpetually running down a chalkboard in your ears. Even when we're fucking it's there.. it's always there.
I only *wish* I was feeling that at the moment. I'm a little past exasperated right now. More like.. oh... murderous... yeah, that's a good word... unstable is another...
I wonder if I can get him to clean up the pile of reindeer shit on my floor before I twist his insolent fucking head off?
*~*~*~*~*
I wonder if Angel's mad at me...
*~*~*~*~*
I'm ready to, I really am. I'm all ready to do something incredibly nasty to him that will leave him crippled for weeks... that's *if* he even survives.. and I see it.
It's hidden, but I see it.
Underneath all of that natural desire to want to fuck with my mindspace and control, it's there. That small part of him that genuinely *wants* me to loosen up, *wants* me to relax and not be such an insufferable pouf, as he might call me...The part that really wants me to enjoy myself. The part of him that laces his fingers with mine when he's sure no one else is around. The part of him that sighs my name as my lips travel down his throat.
The part of him that wants me to smile.
And I can't fight that. Well, I can't fight and *win*, at any rate.
*~*~*~*~*
He sighs and I see all the anger
kind of just evaporate. Didn't think I'd get off that lightly, though.
I *do* tend to put the poor bugger through a lot. Sometimes I've heard
him mutter that it was easier taking it
up the arse in Hell, because he
didn't have to put up with the consequences there.
But, never look a gift reindeer in the mouth...
"I just want you to let go a bit, Angelus," I say quietly, with the appropriate amount of neediness and vulnerability in my voice to make my sire crumble.
I know how to play the game.
"Have you noticed previous times when I've let go? Does a dead computer science teacher and a severely traumatised actress ring any bells?"
"I thought you were remarkably restrained, actually." He does that little sigh thing, when he looks as if he doesn't know whether to take me over his knee, or *take* me over his knee. Whatever, as long as he doesn't notice that Jeffrey is currently devouring the branches of our third tree. "Just trying to get you into the spirit of mayhem..."
"You mean Christmas."
I shrug. "Whatever works."
Jeffrey begins to paw at the ground and snort air through his nostrils.
I wonder what would happen if he charged...
*~*~*~*~*
I'm encouraging him, I know. But Spike is the only person in this or any other life that I can be so angry at one minute, and all he has to do is look at me a certain way.... and I've forgotten my name.
He's doing a good job of that at the moment, a small smile curving his lips, eyes lowered, looking up through dark lashes. Hell, even the way he's stroking Jeffrey's rope is damn arousing.
I back up a bit to lean against the
doorjamb, glancing heavenwards, hoping that the Powers will give *me* a
vision telling me what to do with him. And the reindeer. Spike has begun
to almost stalk me with
Jeffrey in tow, this hungry look
on his face.
I see something dangling from the top of the frame. It's mistletoe. The same sprig that he tied on my.. on my...
I know he sees it too. A sly grin curls his mouth and he comes to stand in front of me. I smile a bit. It's completely the wrong thing to do, I should be mad at him. I should be trying to find out how to get this goddamn animal out of here without being arrested for theft. I should be slapping that sexy smile off his face with... with... my mouth?
He leans in close, coming up under my chin and exhales deliberately, his damp breath making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
"You know where you are, doncha Peaches?"
"I know," I reply, my voice soft and not fucking angry enough. I lean back a bit, trying to escape his sphere of influence. I already can't remember my name.
"You do know what y'gotta do under this, doncha?" he asks, as if talking to a four year old. A *sexy* four year old.
"I do," I reply, taking a small step back. He responds by taking one forward, pulling on the rope on the way.
Perfect.
"I hope Jeffrey's a good kisser," I comment. Spike gives me an odd look, before glancing up to the doorjamb. He and that stupid animal are standing right underneath the sprig of green. He frowns. I grin.
"You don't think I'm gonna-"
"You want me to get into the spirit
of things a bit... you have to follow the rules." I point to the mistletoe
with a resolute statement on my face. Yes, this *will* be far more satisfying
than smacking his
head into the wall...
"You're not serious."
He thinks I'm bluffing.
I give him my patented 'Angelus is two seconds from tearing you a new one if you don't do as I say right now' face.
He doesn't think I'm bluffing any more.
"You want me to snog a reindeer?"
"No tongues, though. He's not that kind of quadroped."
"Oh bugger off." I smile again and fold my arms. He tries to wait me out, to see if I'll change my mind.
Jeffrey shat on my clean floors.
Not. Fucking. Likely.
Spike grimaces and after a long moment's hesitation, leans down, giving Jeffrey a peck on his snout. Jeffrey makes whatever kind of noises deer make when they're half tanked, and promptly regurgitates some egg nog onto Spike's boots.
"I'm pretty sure he likes you," I whisper conspiratorially. He howls in disgust and mutters something about venison and swift and just retribution,, but I'm too satisfied to care.
"Merry Christmas, Spike." I smile.
"Fuck you, Angel."
All in good time, boy.