I. On Fists Sans Fangs by Kita

Ok, can I be frank? Good.

You know what I wish? I wish people who have obviously never had sex would stop writing smut. In particular, I wish people whose only experience with kinky sex was the Beauty Novels by Ann Rice and 10 thousand hours of masturbation would stop writing smut. And most of all, I wish that anyone who has never actually mastered the concept of basic physics would stop fucking writing about FISTING. 

Allow me to be blunt as well as frank. The two are good freinds. Also, allow me to use my two favorite characters as examples. Or don't allow me, I'm gonna do it anyway, 'cause I'm in that kind of mood. 

Have you seen Angel? Does he look like a fucking midget to you? More importantly have you seen his HANDS?? The man has paws that would barely fit inside a Chevy engine block, so what in the name of all that is holy makes you think they are going to fit inside SPIKE'S ASSHOLE?? 

Yes, I've read the Beauty books too. Ann Rice is a talented author who actually makes non-consensual sex sound hot. Newsflash. It isn't. Newsflash two, most amateur ficwriters can't fucking carry that off. They also can't carry off writing about sticking something the size of coconut up a hole the size of a lime. 

I understand that fisting is an acceptable sexual practice. I have nothing against it as a concept. Of note, however, is that I am female. And I have parts that are specifically made to stretch. Someone break out the anatomy book for the uninitiated here. Do you understand that if you put someone's FIST inside an orifice that is NOT made to stretch that said orifice will RUPTURE TEAR AND BLEED and that even if you're an immortal vampire with supernatural healing powers you're likely not gonna sit down again for a good few full moons?

I don't give a damn how fluffy you think chipped Spike is. The odds on him laying spread eagled while Angel shoves his huge frigging arm up to his wrist into Spike's BOWELS (and while I'm here what idiot thinks bowels is a *sexy* word best used during hot smut scenes, and where can I line up to shoot darts at them?) are slim to fucking none. Angel himself spent a good few centuries in Hell. Do you really think he's gonna be all gung ho about having someone stick their FIST up him now that he's finally back?

Look, we all write smut or we wouldn't be here. Most of us have written the occasional S&M scene. Some of us write MORE than the occasional S&M scene. Those who actually give a damn about what they produce try to do a little research first. I'm not asking anyone who writes about sex to actually experience *everything* they write about. I don't plan on growing a dick anytime in this life. But if I was going to write about something I had never even REMOTELY experienced anything similar to, I would at least TRY to gather realistic information before attempting to impress (or disgust) my fellow fanfic writers with my ability to fit large square pegs into teeny round holes. 
 

Talk to me
 

II. On Horrific PWP's By Te

 All right, I wasn't going to rant about this, but Sarah T. changed my mind. 

Sex scenes. 

We know 'em. Most of us crave 'em. Most every slasher has one pairing for which they'd seriously consider selling their first born if it meant we got to see them bump nasties on screen, and at length. But you know, we just aren't gonna *see* Wes and Gunn barebuck naked and twined together and touching and kissing and laughing gently and sucking and mouthing and moaning and gasping and -- 

Yes, well, we ain't gonna see it. 

That's where slash comes in. Specifically, those lovely, lovely X-Rated lovelies. 

God loves a good PWP. Trust me, I asked. 

However, God *hates* a bad PWP. 

You know the ones I mean. 

Someone puts their tongue *through* a clitoris. 

Positions heretofore requiring having ribs removed are achieved with ease following near-mortal gunshot wounds. 

Gushing molten cores at the center of every woman. 

Pulsing, throbbing, *horrifying* dicks. Revolting Cocks. Heh. 

Self-lubricating anuses. Anii? (Get a *DOCTOR*!) 

Disappearing testicles. (Okay, okay, I'm guilty, too...) 

In short, fiction clearly written not only by virgins, but by virgins who don't even *read* or look at porn! Virgins, who, spontaneously decide to produce porn of their own, having only vague notions about thingies slotting into doodads with miraculous ease. 

Why, God, *why*? 

God doesn't answer. God's busy at UCSL. 

Look, I just don't fucking get it. What possesses people to write sex when it's *quite*, *quite* possible that they've never even taken a good *look* at their own genitals? 

I don't know. It's just bad. Badness. 

Eh. Can't even work up a good hate. Why? Because these people, these -- look, *you*, you dumbass! You amuse me. Greatly. Sometimes I save the really awful ones to come back and read again later. Gallons of 'cum,' indeed. *snicker* 

You know what, I'm changing my mind again. Keep it up. 

No, really. 

*cackling* 

Talk to Te

III On Fucking by Numbers: When Sex Becomes a Formula or If
You Can't, Don't

We all know, of course, the principal problem with being a female writer of m/m slash.  Namely, we're not guys, so we don't have a lot of personal experience in the male/male sex department.  I suspect many learned as I did: by reading other slash writers (*good* slash writers) and by writing impossible, improbable, laughable sex scenes only to be told by a rather amused Donna that "Angel is a vampire,honey,  not an octopus. He cannot howl, fuck, bite Wesley, and throw a lamp at the same time."

Okay, maybe not everyone learned *exactly* as I did, but you get the gist.

Point is.  Sex scenes are not easy for many of us to write, be they slash or het, and maybe it feels like it would be easier if there were a magical formula to follow.  Problem is, there *is* such a formula, and it should be avoided like the plague. 

I can totally understand the lure of sex-by-numbers. I'm not very good at the physical aspect of sex scenes; being aware of this, I tend to downplay that aspect by concentrating on what's going on in the character's mind.  (When that fails, I tend to latch on to really stupid details like clenched hands or headboards banging against walls, but fortunately I'm usually able to keep them angsting right up until climax.)  The result of this is sex scenes that play like an "out-of-body experience," as I was once 
told; and while this means that I never have and probably never will write searingly hot, lusciously erotic, oh-god-I-need-a-cold-shower-now sex, at least I'm not trying to work outside of my abilities and consequently distracting everyone with my miraculous inability to handle the physical details of erotica.  The point is this: if you can't do it, *don't.*  *Find another way.*  Because if you don't, you're going to end up writing your sex scene based on some grand assumption of how it "should" be written without the ability to work within those standards. 

I love detailed sex scenes.  I love foreplay that lasts for three pages (when it's well-written, of course; see the other rants for discussion of characterization, stylistics, and plausibility).  What I do *not* love is a phenomenon which I like to refer to as 
Laundry List foreplay: "He nuzzled his neck, bit his nipples, licked his ribs, and then gave him a blowjob."  Okay, it's usually not *that* bad, but you know what I mean: the categorical listing of places that must be touched before intercourse can commence.  I mean, I'm as much for nipple-biting and rib-licking as the next girl, but it doesn't elicit
any response that way. Don't just list the details; pay attention to them. Show us what the character's thinking, what he or she is *feeling* as they are doing this or having it done to them.  *That's* what puts the reader inside the character's skin and makes erotica effective.

Of course, I really shouldn't complain about badly written foreplay, because then here's those that forego it altogether, with what Donna refers to as the "one finger two finger
three fingers dick" method.  Guys, try this, please: put yourself in the character's place as you're writing and think whether or not this is sex that you'd want to have.  If it
isn't, you have a problem.  *Foreplay is just as important as penetration.*  Let this be your mantra.  (Be careful who you chant it around, but let it be your mantra nonetheless. <G>)

Which brings us to the actual intercourse.  Thrust, thrust, orgasm is *not* adequate description, people. If your sex scene doesn't warrant any more attention than that, then it isn't necessary to the story.  Again, if you're not comfortable with physical 
detail, or you're just getting started in the wild, wacky world of writing smut and aren't sure what to say, that doesn't mean that all of your characters need to be celibate.  Downplay what you feel you're not good at and concentrate on other detail- what 
the character's thinking about the sex is as important as the sex itself.  If you feel there's something you're not good at writing, don't force it.  Figure out what you *can* do and do it well while continuing to work on your limitations.

Just stop fucking by numbers.

Talk to Jess

IV. On I've Always Been Bad, or Lousy Spike Smut

No, I won't complain about misused semi-colons.  And I won't bitch about people's inability to freaking SPELL CHECK before posting.  And I really truly won't bemoan the lack of writers who can actually construct a sentence with a subject, a verb, and maybe even a direct object.

Oh, no, I won't do that.

This time anyway.

I will restrain myself to the topic at hand.

Bad smut. 

Terrible, horrible, no good smut.  Sex scenes that make you wince not melt.  Physically impossible acts that leave you twisting your head, trying to figure out how ‘that’ got into ‘there’.  Characters who suddenly up and decide they want to go out and rape someone into submission, despite an entire LACK of such a desire in the BtVS/AtS canon.

More specifically, bad SpikeSmut.

( Ed. Note:Following are quotes from a fic the Webmistress has deleted the name and author of. Apparantly it contains a fine example of every complaint Criss has about BAD!Spikesmut.)
 

//“Its ok, Xand. We know it must be difficult for you.”
Spike walked over to his boy, licking his lips. He kissed
Xander passionately. Xander pierced Spike’s tongue with a
fang, causing a yelp from his Sire. //

Let us be nitpicky.

First off, ‘Its’ should be ‘It’s’.  Third person pronoun contracted with the third person singular declination of the verb ‘to be.’  If that didn’t make any sense, go, no
run, to the nearest grammar book.  I recommend Strunk and White’s Elements of Style.

“Spike walked over to his boy, licking his lips.”  Who in the hell’s lips is he licking?  His?  Xander’s?  Frodo the Dog-Faced Wonder’s?

“Xander pierced Spike’s tongue with a fang, causing a yelp from his Sire.” 

Mmmmm….  And I say again, mmmmm…..  Uh, If I’m not mistaken, vampires are fairly fond of violence.  Pain. Blood.  Seems like common sense (if this writer had any) to assume that a little accidental nip, from a Childe or no, would hardly elicit the following response.

//“You fucking bastard!” Spike backhanded Xander, and
Xander flew across the empty garden. “That fucking hurt!”//
 

That hurt?  <<criss blinks>>  Excuse me, did you say that hurt?  Okay.

Remember this? : “God! It's been so long since I had a decent spot of
violence.”

Spike is the vampire who gets into fights not to feed on someone, not to hurt someone he hates, not to save someone….but for the SHEER EXHILIRATION OF IT.  Duh.  He’s all about kicking ass, being in pain, ‘causing pain, the man pretty much loves pain.  And he’s going to go all pissy and be annoyed that his Childe bit his tongue lightly during a moment of passion?

Oh, please.

Okay, skipping over this author’s playing the “Xander as a crying wimp even as a vamp because he of course has to sub to Angel and Spike and somehow tears prove he’s truly their bitch’ card. <<Criss gags.  Her faithful lumpy minions come
to give her the Heimlich.>>

Have you noticed I haven’t even ‘gotten’ to the bad smut part of this drivel?  Yeesh.

// “I’m sorry. About Dru. I know you loved her.” Xander
tentatively tried to comfort his blond Sire. “I never loved
her. It was all an act. When Angel left, I needed someone.
And she was there. It was nice while it lasted, but its
over. She left, like I knew she would.” Spike looked at
this Childe. “But now I’ve got you.” //

Wait just a frelling second.  Spike never loved Dru.  Wow, just writing that left a bad taste in my mouth.  Let’s get something straight.  I don’t really care for Dru.  I’ve
written her and I’ve read her, but she’s not a favorite character of mine.  Spike/Dru not a ‘ship I’m ever going to care passionately about.

However.

Spike has killed Slayers for this woman.  He changed his entire demeanor for this woman.  He spent over a hundred years loving her, taking care of her, doing anything her little heart asked of him.  He was willing to kill his Grandsire for her.  He would have done anything for her.

And he doesn’t love her?  Yes, she left him.  Yes, he chose Buffy over Drusilla in “Crush.”  Hey, he’d been hurt.  None of that erases over a century of love and blood.

This does, however, bring up a fault nearly ever bad smut writer has.  In order to slash the characters that they’ve chosen to slash, they have to ‘demonize’ another character. They have to deny the importance of Willow to Xander and Oz, the importance of Buffy to Angel and Spike, the importance of Drusilla to Spike.  In Angel/Spike and Angel/Xander slash, Buffy’s the big evil bitch who will
never accept that people she loves have found joy with someone other than her.

Give me a break.  Show me a writer who can incorporate Buffy’s love for Angel into a Buffy/Faith piece or Angel’s love for Buffy into a Angel/Xander piece and I’ll show you
a writer who at least has a clue about how to write.

Moving on to the badsmut part of the badsmut rant.

// “Brace yourself, bitch.” Spike muttered to Xander, as he
forced himself into the brunette’s virgin, exposed hole.
Xander screamed for all he was worth, which, he felt,
wasn’t a lot at that moment, but it just made Spike fuck
him harder. Just as he began to lose consciousness, he
realized the person screaming wasn’t him anymore. Then he
felt wet and sticky around his hole, and he smiled. He had
pleased one of his Sires.//

Ewwwww.  Ick.  “Brace yourself, bitch”?  Should I just be happy the author has some vague notion of how to use the appositive?  Sorry, I can’t even imagine that Spike would think that let alone say it.  At least in bed.

I am of the prejudiced view that smut should be *erotic*.  It should turn the reader on.  Even in the darkest, most sadomasochistic portrayal of the relationships on BtVS and
AtS, the reader should be squirming in their chair, praying that no one will notice if they run off to the bathroom for some private time.  Spike’s fucking Xander harder because the vampire is screaming doesn’t sound erotic.  It sounds
painful.  It sounds like rape.  ‘Oh, but they’re vampires’, you say.  Okay, look you crackheads.  Even vampires can be damaged by penetration.  Ramming into a fairly small opening with no natural lubrication is not going to make anyone, vampire or not, smile.

Of course a scene where one vamp, let’s say Angel, forces another vamp, let’s say Spike, to have sex can be tremendously erotic. 

// "Is this what you came for, boy? Did you miss your
master's domination? Deep down in that little black heart,
did you yearn for my cock tearing you a new ass hole? All
the bluster, all the swaggering and proclaiming yourself
your own master, none of it means anything in the face of
your sire, does it...boy..." 
As he spoke, Angel calmly and efficiently tore Spike's
pants down, unfastened his own, and on the final word,
speared his childe's unprepared body, making them both
howl. //

That, my friends, is the gifted and talented Laure Alexander.  Nope, I can’t see Angel saying that to Spike. But everything that follows is fucking perfect.  And I, for one, need some alone time now.   All Laure had to do was properly set up the relationship.  Master.  Sire.  Boy.  And the language.  Speared.  Unprepared.  They both howl.

They <<both>> howl.

Right.  Now, because no rant about Spike and bad smut would be complete without it, I must face the sticky, thorny topic of Wimpy!Spike.

Over, and over, and over again, fandom writers have fallen into the trap of writing Spike as a wussy, girly vampire….all because he’s having sex with another man. And
he’s almost always the one who gets fucked, not the one who fucks.

I have to admit to reading and enjoying some of this stuff.  For example, Saber Shadowkitten’s Spike/Xander work.  Hot as hell, so sweet and tasty I crave more….but not always SPIKE.  Her Tiny Smiles series is an excellent example.  At
this point, I’m almost as horny as Xander and twice as eager to fuck Spike into the next century.  But….but….this story also portrays Spike as a virgin to sex with men.  As a vampire who, who <<breaks down into tears>> SUCKS HIS
THUMB!  Ye gods, I can’t quite believe I like it.  But it works for me.

Why?

Because Saber’s not really writing ‘Spike’.  She’s using some of his past and his name and some of his personality traits and speech patterns and tacking them onto the character ‘Spike’ in her story to create the vamp she needs for the story.  And I think she knows that she’s doing it. At least I hope she knows this isn’t really Spike, and based on things like “6.8 on the Richter Scale” and “Everything Has It’s Place” I’d say she does know she’s doing in the Tiny Smiles series.  She writes a lot of
different versions of a lot of different characters.  And she always makes me believe it.  She doesn’t have to play the “okay, now I hate Buffy/Willow/Drusilla because I love
Xander/Spike/Angel” card. 

Only truly lousy authors have to dis a canon ‘ship in order to slash. 

But, back to the Wimpy!Spike topic.  The only time it’s even vaguely acceptable to make Spike wimpy is when it’s intentional.  You mean to write it because you’re fully
aware that this isn’t our belovedly crass, violent, and evil vampire.  It’s a pale shadow who nonetheless can have lots of slashy fun.  But it’s not Spike. 

Spike's nasty, cruel, violent, evil, impetous, and crass. He's also gentle, loving, brave, intelligent, and willing to commit to an act or a person.   It's damn near impossible to write good SpikeFic without having a good dose of Angst in there.  As for smut, well….I personally think that Spike would fuck anything that moves within reason.  Spike would let few people, however, top him.  Xander?  Not likely.  Wesley?  Even less likely.  Angel?  Written properly, yes.  Angelus?  Yes.

The most important thing to remember when writing smut is to know your characters.  ((For SpikeSmut: Spike)) Read the classic Spike authors.  Saber, Jess Walker.  Watch as many episodes as you can (Fool for Love, Lover's Walk, School
Hard) or read the scripts online.  Get beta readers, preferably several, who don't just say "oh, I'd love to read what you wrote" but will give the story a good shakedown.  ((Spike would not, for example, put cigarettes out on someone just for fun…unless maybe it was Xander or Angel))  As for mechanics and so forth, well, there are
other rants for that.

Besides, I have to shut up someday.

Talk to Criss